The Guilt Trap and how to Break Free: Avoiding Setting Boundaries

Pam first came to therapy seeking help with anxiety, stress, and relationship conflict. 

She reported feeling an overwhelming sense of dread every Sunday night as she anticipates the week ahead. She described never finding enough time for yoga and writing, and an immediate spike in anxiety whenever there was a social event coming up.

Much of her time in therapy was spent on tracking back and connecting the dots between undesirable consequences in her life and her agreeing to something that she didn't actually want to do.

Pam's justifications tended to land on the same "It would make ___ happy," and "I don't want ___ to think I am being selfish or unappreciative." 

In one specific instance, Pam was sharing a conflict she had with her husband over him feeling hurt that she canceled their regular lunch date for a different appointment. Within a few minutes, it became clear that Pam canceled lunch with her husband in order to accommodate rescheduling a therapy session. Pam didn't want to "inconvenience" the therapist and agreed to the first time slot that was offered to her.

Upon diving more deeply into these instances, Pam started recognizing how angry and trapped she felt. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said. “It’s like I can’t say no without feeling terrible, and if I say yes, I still end up feeling terrible.” 

Tracing the Roots of Guilt: Childhood Lessons in Self-Sacrifice

As therapy progressed, Pam started reflecting on her early memories with her younger brother, Max. She talked about the afternoons of her 4th grade summers when Max was 5 years old and she was forced to stay at home and build Lego castles with him instead of riding her bike with her friends. 

She remembered the times she had to cancel plans for birthday parties because her mom needed her to watch him while she ran errands and the countless times she made him his favorite snacks and played his games, all while ignoring her anger, sadness, and disappointment.

Therapy helped her revisit these memories, verbalize the meaning she elicited from them, and begin the work of challenging the beliefs they generated. 

Each of these moments reinforced the reflex to relate to her needs as secondary or non-existent. Ignoring or dismissing her feelings became a primary way in which she related to herself and others. 

The Turning Point

During one session, she recounted an incident from the previous week when her boss asked her to stay late to finish a project, even though she had planned dinner with her friends. She agreed, ignoring her disappointment and resentment.

Pam found herself increasingly annoyed with the receptionist who forgot to send her the most updated files of her work, the computer that was installing unexpected updates, and her husband who messaged to ask when she would be home. In the session, Pam recognized how her impatience stemmed from the fact that she did not want to spend the extra time at the office, to begin with, but was ignoring those subtle internal reactions. 

Pam also started to recognize the physical symptoms of her stress—sleepless nights filled with self-doubt and over-analyzing the interactions of the day, and the headaches that seemed to creep in whenever she felt an internal pressure to say “yes” to a request. 

With the help of therapy, she became more accustomed to pausing and asking herself "What do I want to do?" So whenever she decided to go with the desires of others it was a conscious process, not one that would generate unexpected negative consequences.

Practicing Saying No: Small Steps with Big Impact

One of the first things Pam started doing was practicing small “no” responses in low-stakes situations. She noticed when she was too tired to play with her 5-year-old niece and told her she needed a break. She could tell her parents that she'd only come for the day instead of the weekend and that she didn't want to take leftovers home. 

Pam felt nervous and a bit guilty the first few times, but these experiences taught her that saying no didn’t automatically disappoint or upset others; it often just meant people had to adjust their plans.

For bigger requests, Pam practiced saying "Let me think about it." 

This approach allowed Pam to genuinely reflect on her feelings about any particular ask. It strengthened her ability to recognize that her needs matter and allowed her the time to talk things through in therapy when needed.

Moving Forward: A Life Without Guilt-Driven Decisions

With therapy, Pam learned to separate guilt from her sense of responsibility.

Therapy taught Pam that it’s possible to be kind and supportive without overextending herself, that compromise doesn't mean compliance, and that paying attention to her needs doesn't mean selfishness. 

She started saying yes with intention and no with confidence, finally free from the guilt that had once controlled her life.