Do my stepkids like me? Do I like them? (1-minute read + a free offering)

These two questions come up more often than most stepmoms expect.

Do they want me at their graduation? At the basketball game? Do I even want to go?

How much time and energy am I willing to give? How much should I give? And… how much do they actually want from me?

Thoughts like that hover constantly over the stepmom–stepkids relationship.

Some kids want closeness and involvement. Others prefer distance. You might see both, even with kids in the same family. Sometimes a child who’s warm at home might pull away in public.

It’s complicated.

The natural, built-in bond that exists between biological parents and their kids often isn’t there in blended families.

Which means something else has to take its place: direct, explicit communication.

And here’s the part no one really prepares you for (especially if you don’t have kids of your own): suddenly, you’re “The adult."

You’re the one expected to model the kind of communication you wish were happening.

Which means you often have to go first.

You’ll have to say things like:“Do you want me to come to your graduation, or would that feel weird for you?” "I haven’t come to your games this season, but I could come to the next one, do you want me to?”“Was I too harsh earlier?”

And sometimes, when it’s developmentally appropriate, the conversation becomes:

“What kind of relationship do you actually want us to have?”

That question isn’t just for them. It’s for you, too.

Because when roles are unclear, boundaries are blurry, and expectations keep shifting, communication isn’t just helpful; it’s the difference between a family that survives and one that thrives.

If this hits close to home, I’m hosting a free workshop for NJ stepmoms:

Not Your Evil Stepmother | How to Build a Solid Home with Stepkids in It

📅 Wed, April 8

🕔 5:00 PM

I’ll walk you through four (sometimes controversial) principles to help you:

• Feel more confident in your role

• Protect your relationship with your partner

• Build a home that works for you, not just everyone else

If you can’t make it, reach out, and I’ll make sure you’re invited to the next one. This kind of space can make a real difference.

Register here.

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Kate Winkler offers relationship therapy to individuals and couples who reside in NJ. Click here to book your first session.