5 Ground Rules for Building a Blended Family That Lasts (Rule 1)

Around 60% of second marriages end in divorce, a noticeably higher rate than first marriages.

That’s barely a surprise.

When the starting line comes with extra complexity, ongoing communication with an ex, kids who carry emotional or behavioral challenges, and the financial leftovers of former households, it takes more than love to make things work.

If you’re a step-mom, a step-dad, a dating single parent, or anyone building a blended family, this five-part series can help your relationship and family thrive.

Without further ado, let's dive into the first, and maybe the most controversial one.

Rule number one for building a blended family that lasts:

The kids do not come first.

In contrast to what you often hear, if you want a strong foundation for your relationship and a stable home for your children, your partner should actually come first.

What does that mean, really? If you tell your partner (or future partner) that “my kids come first,” you may be unintentionally setting up a dynamic that makes a healthy, lasting relationship nearly impossible.

Even in Jewish tradition, where family is sacred, the couple’s bond is seen as the emotional center of the home.

The sages taught that while children need love and guidance, the marriage itself is the foundation of family life. When parents consistently put their children before their partnership, the relationship weakens, and with it, the very stability children need most.

That truth applies just as much to second marriages as it does to first.

If the dream of showing your children what a grounded and loving partnership looks like is still alive for you, invest in your relationship.

It models stability, mutual respect, and love, qualities that leave a lasting imprint on children that no amount of direct parenting, attention, or material comfort can replace.

Whether first marriage or second, in an age already bursting with self-centeredness and entitlement, raising children to believe they always come first doesn’t strengthen them. It deepens their egocentricity.

Even step-parents might recoil from the idea of putting the relationship first, being confronted with feeling selfish, an "evil step-mom," or "traumatizing" the already suffering children. 

Having in mind that the investment in how you feel towards your partner will determine the long-lasting positive effect on the children, might soften or free you from these preconceptions.  

In the next post, I'll look at another essential ground rule: how to navigate everything that’s not written into the divorce agreement, and why those "unspoken” negotiations can make or break your new relationship.  

Kate Winkler offers therapy to individuals and couples who reside in NJ. Click here to book your first session.