When everyone else is to blame, it's time to find a good therapist: From Blame to Self-Awareness

Mark, 41, slouched into the therapy chair with a sigh, his face a tight mask of resentment. His eyes darted to the floor, and his arms crossed defensively across his chest. The tension in his jaw suggested he was holding back more than words—anger simmered beneath the surface, and it had found its usual target: his mother.

“She only cares about how she looks to other people,” Mark began, his tone sharp and dismissive. “She’s always on the phone, giving advice to her friends about their kids and grandkids. They don’t know how phony she is. She puts on this act like she’s the perfect mom. I can't stand it”

Mark’s eyes flicked up briefly before returning to the floor. “She’s always telling me I’m not smart enough. That I should have a better job by now or be married. Every conversation is another reminder that I’m a disappointment. Why don’t I have my life together like everyone else? It’s exhausting!”

Mark’s therapy sessions often followed this familiar pattern: a detailed catalog of his mother’s shortcomings and a growing list of grievances.

He was preoccupied with her—what she said, who she talked to, and how she made him feel inadequate. Therapy, for Mark, had become a place to vent about her perceived failures.

“She just doesn’t get it,” he continued, shifting in his chair. “She doesn’t see how hard I’m trying. And the worst part? She never acknowledges how much of this is her fault. She’s the reason I’m stuck.”

Mark’s voice was tinged with helplessness, as though he were trapped in a cycle with no way out.

A Pivotal Moment

After another session spent dissecting his mother’s behavior, Mark’s therapist asked, “How is that an internal problem for you?”

Mark blinked, visibly puzzled. His brow furrowed, and for a moment, the defensiveness softened into confusion.

“What do you mean? Isn’t she the problem?”

The question lingered, echoing in the quiet room. It nudged Mark to consider something he hadn’t before: His mother’s critical voice was loud, yes—but how much of it had he internalized? How often did he speak to himself in the same dismissive, critical tone?

The therapist continued, “We’ve explored what your mother thinks of you. But what do you think of yourself? Do you believe you’re smart enough? Capable of building the life you want? How do you see yourself?”

Mark shifted uncomfortably. He had spent so much time focused on his mother’s judgments that he hadn’t stopped to consider his own—or how often they echoed hers.

Turning the Lens Inward

As therapy progressed, Mark began to explore how he had absorbed his mother’s criticism.

He realized he often spoke to himself the way she had spoken to him: questioning his intelligence, doubting his capabilities, and attributing his struggles to the same shortcomings she had pointed out long ago.

Mark hadn’t thought about it that way before. Blaming his mother had become second nature. But shifting the focus inward revealed a different challenge—one that was both uncomfortable and empowering.

“If I’m honest,” Mark admitted in one session, “I don’t always believe I’m smart enough. Or that I deserve better. Maybe that’s why I’m stuck.”

This acknowledgment opened the door to grief—the grief of not having the mother he had hoped for, and of all the time and energy he had spent treating himself the way she did.

But it also opened the door to change.

Rewriting the Internal Script

Mark began to develop a new inner voice, one that was compassionate and supportive. It wasn’t easy. There were still moments when he wanted to fall back into the familiar rhythm of blame.

But with the help of his therapist, he learned to pause and ask, “What do I think about this?” Each time he did, he reclaimed a little more of his power.

Mark tapped into painful memories of feeling dismissed and criticized, but instead of letting them define him, he began to reinterpret them.

“I can’t change how she treated me,” Mark reflected. “But I can change how I treat myself.”

Mark’s physical appearance began to shift. The tightness in his jaw relaxed. His posture became more open. The resentment and helplessness that once defined him started to dissolve, replaced by a growing sense of self-assurance.

He set boundaries in his conversations with his mother, focusing less on seeking her approval and more on affirming his own worth. And slowly, the power she held over him weakened.

The Cost of Blame and the Power of Self-Awareness

Mark’s journey highlights a transformative truth: Blaming others for our struggles might feel justified, but it keeps us stuck. Real change happens when we shift the focus inward.

Do you find yourself blaming others for problems that might be within your control? Are you stuck in a cycle of frustration, helplessness, or resentment?

Therapy offers a space to unpack these patterns with compassion and curiosity. It’s not about blame—it’s about understanding how the past shapes your present and discovering how to relate to yourself in healthier ways.

You don’t have to carry this weight alone. I can support you in identifying the patterns that hold you back and help you build the life and relationships you want.

Let’s work together to shift the conversation from blame to personal growth and self-awareness.

Call today and take the first step toward meaningful change.