The Guilt Trap and how to Break Free: Constantly Apologizing

Hannah first came to therapy talking about anxiety, stress and difficulty making decisions.

The introductory call with the therapist started with her saying, “I’m so sorry to bother you. I don’t want to take up too much of your time...”

In each session Hannah’s descriptions and behavior revealed how automatic, almost reflexive, it was for her to say “I’m sorry” before she’d even asked for anything. 

Recognizing the Pattern: The “I’m Sorry” Habit

Hannah’s excessive apologizing showed up in nearly every aspect of her life. In her job as a graphic designer, she’d frequently start emails to clients with phrases like, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I wanted to check if the latest design met your expectations.” If she needed to ask for feedback, she’d apologize again, even when it was a necessary part of her work. Her emails often looked like this:

“Hi, I’m really sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to follow up on the designs I sent over. If there’s anything you need changed, please let me know. Sorry if I’m asking too soon!”

In therapy, Hannah was asked to pay closer attention to how often she apologized in different settings (therapy included!) and reflect on the intent of the apology. Hannah realized how the words “I’m sorry” had become her default opener, no matter the situation, and how they were linked to feeling guilty for taking up space.

Understanding the Root Cause of Guilt

Hannah started recognizing her invisible belief that she was a burden. It was a lens through which she viewed her actions, making her feel that any interaction might inconvenience someone. 

She began to realize that her apologies were less about genuine remorse and more about a need to avoid imagined disapproval.

She recalled a family gathering when she was around eight years old, held at her grandparents’ house. It was one of those bustling holiday dinners where every adult seemed to have their own agenda, discussing politics, passing dishes, and catching up. 

At one point, Hannah, wanting to share a drawing she’d made for school, tried to speak up. She started with, “Look what I made!” holding up her picture with pride. But her voice was drowned out by her uncle’s loud laugh, and then her mother, noticing her attempt to speak, gently patted her arm and said, “Not now, honey, don’t interrupt. Everyone’s talking.”

Hannah sat back, feeling a pang of embarrassment and disappointment. She watched as her drawing was quickly forgotten, while the conversation shifted back to the adults. She didn’t fully understand it at the time, but moments like these taught her that "people have more important things to focus on."

The message she internalized was subtle but powerful: she doesn't matter, and to be accepted and loved, she had to stay in the background. 

Therapy helped her revisit these memories, verbalize the meaning she elicited from them, and begin the work of challenging the beliefs they generated.

As she allowed herself to question these beliefs, she felt something unlock inside, a new freedom to explore what mattered to her. She realized now that she had spent years restraining herself, apologizing even for the smallest moments of self-expression, trying not to take up “too much space.”

Therapy had helped her map out her internal landscape. She felt less like a flat version of herself built around others’ expectations and more like a person with her own rich, complex interior—a person who could be gentle without always being deferential, honest without needing to smooth over every edge. 

She wasn’t shedding her past but integrating it, allowing the memories and beliefs to evolve, fueling her journey toward becoming a whole, unapologetic person.

Replacing “I’m Sorry” with Direct Communication

One of the first strategies Hannah was implementing was to replace unnecessary apologies with direct language. She started by deleting the reflexive “I’m sorry” from the beginning of every email and replacing it with “Thank you for reviewing my work” or “I wanted to check if you had any feedback on the designs.”

The next week, Hannah sent an email to a client that read:

“Hi, I wanted to follow up on the designs I sent last week. If there’s anything you’d like adjusted, please feel free to let me know. Thank you for your feedback!”

After sending the email, Hannah felt a mix of pride and nervousness. She expected some sort of pushback — a reminder that she was being too direct — but nothing terrible happened.

Using Gratitude Instead of Apology

Hannah practiced replacing “I’m sorry” with gratitude when appropriate. If she made a mistake at work, instead of automatically saying, “I’m so sorry!” she would try saying, “Thank you for understanding!”

These small shifts helped her break the cycle of apologizing while still acknowledging the other person.

The old habits didn’t disappear overnight, but Hannah’s progress inspired her. More than just changing her words — it was reclaiming her confidence, her voice, and her right to exist.