You Want a Partner, Not a Pet: Relationship Anxiety and the Trouble with Boundaries

Fifteen minutes into her session, Rona was talking about a now-familiar topic. “I’m so tired of these dating apps,” she said. “Every guy I 'match' with ends up ghosting me or can’t hold a conversation longer than five minutes. It’s like... where are the men who can actually meet my standards?”

I nodded, waiting for her to continue.

“It’s not like I’m asking for much,” she went on. “I just want someone ambitious, emotionally intelligent, financially stable, who understands that I need space but also shows up for me. Oh, and he has to be good with dogs.”

She paused. “Speaking of which, I should probably take Daisy to the park after this.”

But as Rona painted a picture of her ideal partner, she also let slip some details about her own life.

She hadn’t spoken to her brother since their fight over him moving back home during the pandemic. Her mom’s texts were sitting unanswered because “she’s too much sometimes.” And her dad? “He’s lucky if I even respond to his emails.”

Rona’s story is more common than we like to admit.

We see posts on Instagram about how setting boundaries is self-care, videos of therapists urging to cut ties with “toxic” people, and viral TikToks celebrating “protecting your peace.”

And while these messages can be empowering, they often leave out one uncomfortable truth: boundaries don’t replace the hard work of connection.

When Boundaries Become Walls

The trend of using boundaries as an excuse for disconnection might feel safe in the moment, but it can sabotage your ability to build meaningful relationships.

When you cut off anyone who challenges you or makes you uncomfortable, you’re essentially outsourcing conflict resolution to avoidance.

Think about it: Relationships—whether with family, friends, or romantic partners—require us to exercise the messy, awkward muscle of navigating conflict.

Disagreements, unmet needs, and differing perspectives are all part of the package.

If you can’t tolerate the discomfort of working through these moments, how can you expect to stay in a long-term relationship with someone who isn’t custom-built to meet every expectation?

And here’s the kicker: romantic partners aren’t designed to be your personal emotional comfort animals. 

A healthy relationship isn’t about avoiding discomfort—it’s about growing through it together.

Relationship Anxiety and the Cost of Disconnection

Rona’s dating struggles didn’t come from bad luck or a lack of good men.

They stemmed from a pattern she’d built in her other relationships—avoiding the tough stuff.

Her high standards weren’t the issue; her inability to handle the inevitable conflict that comes with intimacy was.

This is where relationship anxiety often shows up.

It’s about avoiding the discomfort of emotional messiness altogether.

If you’ve ever thought, “It’s just easier to stay single and look for someone who meets all my needs upfront,” you’re not alone.

But that avoidance often leaves you stuck in dating struggles that feel impossible to overcome.

How Therapy Helps You Build Real Intimacy

Therapy helps illuminate these blind spots.

It gives you the tools to identify recurring patterns, practice conflict resolution, and develop the patience and perspective-taking skills necessary for intimacy.

These are the ingredients that turn “it’s complicated” into “we’re committed.”

And let’s be honest—relationships will never feel as seamless as training your dog to sit, stay, and fetch.

But the messy moments? The disagreements, the awkward apologies, the vulnerability of saying, “This is what I need, and it’s hard for me to ask”—that’s where the magic happens.

Step into Your Own Story.

• What’s your story about why you’re struggling to be in a relationship?

• When conflict comes up in your relationships, how do you usually respond?

  
  

Therapy is a space to explore how to cope with discomfort, approach conflict, and connect with others in ways that feel authentic and fulfilling.

When you’re ready to do that work—let’s talk.

Let's chat!