"Why Can’t He Just Do What I Need?" Individual Couples Therapy

Laura leans forward in her chair, her voice laced with a mix of frustration and exhaustion as she recounts a moment with her husband, Ben. “Last night I was cooking dinner and saw these huge Costco boxes piled up against the cupboards. So, I asked him, 'Can you please take these boxes outside to the recycling? How can anyone cook like this?’ And he says, ‘I’ll do it later this evening.’”

Laura looks at me, eyebrows raised in disbelief. “I said "ok," but the truth is I just wanted him to do it now. It wasn’t a huge ask, but he didn’t get it. And then I started thinking, ‘Why can’t he just do it now? Does he not see how much these boxes are bothering me? Why does everything have to be a ‘later’ thing for him?’”

Her voice gets a little sharper. “It’s like I’m doing everything around here and he just wants to be left alone! Of course, he forgot, and I had to remind him AGAIN. I sometimes wonder, why he even wanted to get married if he always wants to be left alone?!”

Occasional Misunderstandings, Despite Good Intentions

It’s easy to see how Laura’s frustration spirals.

From her perspective, the urgency of her request seems totally obvious—those Costco boxes are an actual kitchen crisis, and they need to be dealt with now.

But Ben, who’s caught up in his project, doesn’t feel the same urgency. He doesn’t understand why the timing matters so much to Laura, and in that moment, they miss each other’s needs.

The core issue here isn’t that Ben is trying to avoid helping—it’s that they have different preferences about how to do things, and their communication isn’t exactly in sync.

Laura’s need for immediate action clashes with Ben’s more laid-back approach, and bam!

There’s the misunderstanding.

Communicate Your Preferences

In situations like this, one of the best tools for Laura (and couples in general) is to reframe requests as personal preferences, rather than as universal “truths.”

Instead of saying, “How can anyone cook like this??” (Ben probably can, but that’s beside the point), she can say, “It’s really important to me that the boxes are out of the kitchen while I’m cooking.”

This shifts the conversation from "this is how things should be done" to a personal need—and trust me, the shift is huge.

Address It in the Moment

When Laura says “OK” as a respons to Ben, but her mind is actually planning a revenge, it’s easy for her thoughts to start spiraling into negative territory.

If she could’ve caught herself and voiced her feelings in the moment, she’d stop her brain from hijacking the situation and running off into a web of more negative thoughts about Ben and their whole relationship.

In those moments, Costco boxes might just be the perfect opportunity to turn the ship around.

With a simple exchange, they can stay connected and recognize that even though they have different preferences, they can still stay on the same team.

When Communication Breaks Down

What’s happening here is a classic example of how small misunderstandings can snowball into bigger problems when communication isn’t clear.

The good news? Therapy can help couples like Laura and Ben break these patterns. With some relationship counseling and a bit of self-awareness, couples can get on the same page and stop letting little things pile up into something much bigger.

Start Couples Therapy. Get in Touch Today.

Communication challenges are a big reason couples seek therapy, and that’s exactly where therapy can make a huge difference.

If you’re struggling with miscommunication or misunderstandings in your relationship, don’t wait for the little things to build up.

Contact me today to schedule a session and start improving your communication, your connection, and your relationship.

We can work on resolving conflict in your relationship, improve communication, and get you back to where you want to be.

A Quick Word for Higher-Conflict Couples

Now, if you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds familiar, but my relationship feels more complicated,” you’re definitely not alone.

Not all couples will benefit from simple tips. Some relationships have more deep-rooted issues that need more direct intervention. If this sounds like you, it’s time to reach out.

I can help you navigate the tough stuff together—get in touch, and we can chat about how to move forward.

Let's chat!

Step into your own story.

1. When asking for something, do you frame it as a personal need or as an expectation of how things “should” be done? How does this impact your partner's response?

2. What do you assume of your partner’s intentions toward the relationship based on their actions (or inactions)?

3. If you were to describe your relationship as a “team,” what would you say are your team’s greatest strengths? Where do you think you could grow?