When ‘Chill’ Turns Into ‘Lazy’: Couples Therapy for Newlyweds

This Isn’t What I Signed Up For

Rachel, 29, dropped into the therapy chair with a sigh so heavy it could’ve leveled a small building. “I married him because he’s the most chill person I’ve ever met,” she began, tugging at the hem of her sleeve. “But now? He’s so chill that I feel like I’m married to a houseplant.”

She wasn’t kidding. Her husband, Aaron, 35, has always been the easygoing one. He was the guy who could de-escalate any argument with a simple “It’s not a big deal.” But now, that they’re in their first year of marriage, Rachel feels like all those mellow vibes have turned into a lack of effort.

“Yesterday, I came home, and he was just... sitting there. On his phone! The recycling bin was overflowing, the dog was giving me the where’s-my-dinner-stare, and Aaron didn’t even flinch. I said, ‘Hey, did you get to the trash?’ and he just goes, ‘Oh, I forgot. I’ll get it later.’ Later! Like we’re running a five-star hotel where someone else handles the mess.”

Her frustration is raw. It’s not just the dishes or the trash—it’s what they symbolize. “It’s like he doesn’t care. I feel like I’m the only one doing the thinking. Did I marry the wrong person?”

Rachel’s thoughts spiraled from there. “What if this is just who he is? What if I’m stuck being the project manager for our entire life while he chills on the couch?”

Relationship Therapy: Unpacking the Frustration

Rachel’s not alone. There’s this funny thing that happens in relationships: the traits that swept you off your feet often end up driving you up the wall. That calm, laid-back energy you fell in love with? Turns out, it can look a lot like “lazy” when it’s your weekend's chores on the line.

Here’s the deal: early marriage is where reality shows up with its sweatpants on.

It’s the transition from dreamy date nights to managing bills, laundry, and that weird squeaky noise the fridge makes. And let’s be real, disillusionment isn’t exactly romantic.

But here’s the good news: this is normal. It’s part of the adjustment period, like finding out your favorite restaurant has a slightly sticky floor. The magic isn’t gone—it just needs a bit of elbow grease.

Now, about those spiraling thoughts: “Is he lazy?” “Does he care?” “Did I make a mistake?”

Those labels are sneaky.

The longer you let frustrations pile up without addressing them, the more tempting it is to slap on a label.

And once that happens, it’s like trying to peel off a sticker from a jar—it leaves behind a stubborn residue. Instead of letting resentment brew, it’s time to talk. Not the passive-aggressive ‘I’ll just sigh louder until he notices’ kind of talk, but an honest, ‘This is what’s been on my mind’ conversation.

Couples Therapy Tip: Communication is Key

Share the full story, including the ambivalent feelings about the very traits you initially loved. 

For example, “When we were dating, I loved how calm and relaxed you were. It made me feel balanced. But now, I feel torn because I also need us to share the load more.”  

This does two things: it acknowledges the good in Aaron’s personality (he’s not just a couch potato; he’s also the guy who made you feel steady) and invites him into the problem-solving process.

Now it’s not ‘you’re lazy’; it’s ‘how can we figure this out together?’

Humor is your friend here. It lightens the tension and reminds you both that you’re in this together. And once you get in the habit of addressing things early, before they snowball into major resentment, you’re setting the stage for smoother conflict resolution down the road.

Your Relationship Doesn’t Have to Feel Like a Chore

Whether you’re navigating frustrations as an individual or as a couple, therapy can help you unpack the hard stuff and build a stronger connection. I work with individuals on relationship challenges and with couples looking to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and create a partnership that feels like teamwork.

Reach out today, and let’s figure this out together

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Step into your own story.

1. What qualities in your partner’s personality once felt like a perfect balance to your own? Consider how those same traits might now be showing up differently in daily life.

2. How do you typically handle moments when your expectations aren’t met in your relationship? Think about whether you tend to communicate directly, avoid the issue, or let resentment build.

3. What assumptions do you find yourself making about your partner’s actions (or inactions)?