My Stepfamily Situation Is Too Complicated for Other Stepmoms to Understand

Saying that every stepfamily is different is a bit of an understatement.

Obviously, every family is different.

Every family has to negotiate different personalities, needs, histories, temperaments, expectations, and ways of doing things.

But stepfamilies come with a few extra layers.

Some stepmoms have children of their own.

Others never wanted children and are now figuring out what it means to have kids become a major part of their lives anyway.

Some painfully want a child of their own and are struggling to get pregnant while helping raise someone else’s.

Some custody schedules are extremely structured. Others change from one month to the other.

Some partners have terrible relationships with their exes.

Others have what can feel like a too-good relationship with their ex. (Yes, that can be a problem too.)

Some exes live down the street. Others live in a different state.

And the differences between the two households can be enormous. One home might be religiously observant while the other isn’t.

One has strict bedtimes, limited screens, and dinner at the table; the other has kids eating cereal on the couch at 10 p.m. while watching YouTube.

And somehow, you’re supposed to figure out what your role is in all of it.

So when stepmoms consider joining a group, one of the concerns I hear is some version of:

But my situation is really complicated.

Or:

I don’t know if the other women will relate to what I’m dealing with.

And they may not.

At least, not to the details.

The details are different. The feelings underneath them often aren't.

Again and again, stepmoms are trying to find their place when their step-kids are around.

They're navigating their own guilt, and often their partner's guilt too.

And then they're trying to communicate all of this to people around them without sounding selfish, controlling, jealous, cold, or like the dreaded evil stepmother.

That part is remarkably common.

That's one of the strengths of being in a group with other stepmoms.

You don't need stepmoms to have your exact custody schedule, your exact relationship with the ex or step-kids the same ages as yours.

Sometimes it's actually useful that they don't.

You may hear another stepmom describe something that seems completely unrelated to your life and suddenly recognize yourself in the way she goes quiet, gives in, overextends herself, or waits for her partner to notice she's unhappy.

And perhaps most importantly, you begin to realize:

Oh. This feeling isn't "just me".

That's what a stepmom group offers.

To get support from women who understand the strange position of being deeply affected by family decisions while not always knowing how much authority you're supposed to have over them.

To become more confident about what belongs to you, what doesn't, what you want to speak up about, and how you want to show up in your family.

For some women, stepmom therapy is the first place they've been able to say out loud the things they don't feel comfortable saying anywhere else.

And in a group, something else becomes possible: you don't just get the perspective of a therapist.

You get to see how other stepmoms wrestle with the same underlying questions in completely different circumstances.

The 8-week virtual stepmom group is for stepmoms who want support, perspective, and a stronger sense of themselves within their stepfamilies.

When you're ready, click here to learn more about the group and whether it's a good fit for you.

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Kate Winkler offers relationship therapy to individuals and couples who reside in NJ. Click here to book your first session.

Click here to sign up for her mailing list.