Want More Connection in Your Relationship? Forget About Feelings.

Imagine this: you’re sitting on the couch after a long work day, scrolling through your phone, when your wife walks in and greets you with, “Why didn’t you take out the trash?”

Here’s another: you say to your husband, “Are you listening?” and he replies, “I listened to you this morning, now I need to fix this drawer.”

In both cases, it’s not hard to recognize that neither partner is exactly motivated to move closer to the other. Real connection in relationship moments rarely start this way.

It might be tempting to unravel the feelings, goals, and intentions behind these moments, to name the emotions, recall the history, and diagnose who started what. 

But most couples end up lost in that maze, buried under layers of interpretations, judgments, and accusations.

Unlike feelings, impulses are much easier to spot, in yourself and in others. And once you can see them, they’re much easier to change.

The best part? You don’t have to be a mind reader or “more in touch with your feelings.”

You just need to start paying attention to three basic impulses: approach, attack, and avoid.

Approach means moving toward someone with positive intention. You want more of something, more connection, more understanding, more shared experience. You’re curious, receptive, available. It’s when you say, “You’re right, I got distracted,” or “I didn’t realize you were working, let me know when you’re done.”

Attack means turning negative energy against someone. In this mode, the impulse is to put the other person “in their place,” to prove superiority, whether in knowledge, sensitivity, or competence. Attack mode lowers another person’s value by dismissing their perspective or undermining their confidence, even if done with a calm or caring tone. It lives in phrases like, “Maybe if you weren’t so…,” “How many times do I have to tell you?” and “You should have known.”

Avoid means getting away; physically, emotionally, or mentally. It’s scrolling your phone, diving into a video game, or finding reasons to stay late at work. It’s when you pretend not to hear, or when you mutter “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself.”

You might have a goal of wanting your partner to be more involved with the kids, or to respect your downtime, and you might even be using “I” statements, feeling words, and active listening. 

But if you’re not in approach mode, those tools won’t land.

You’ll still end up triggering defensiveness, because people respond almost exclusively to whether they sense they’re being approached, attacked, or avoided.

That’s why so many conversations about feelings go nowhere. 

Unless the dominant impulse is to approach; to understand and appreciate your partner’s perspective rather than influence, control, or manipulate, communication breaks down.

There are two major bonuses to this mindset. 

First, you don’t have to decode every complicated emotion that passes through you. Second, when an interaction starts going sideways, you can pause and ask yourself:

Do I want to move toward connection right now or away from it?

If it’s the latter, pause. 

You’re standing at the edge of a minefield filled with “you never” and “you always,” name-calling, labeling, and stonewalling. 

Every step forward from that state takes you miles off the path of connection, like trying to reach your partner by circling the globe instead of crossing the room.

So wait. Step back. Let your nervous system settle until you feel the genuine impulse to move toward connection again.

That’s when you’re no longer trying to win, but to find your way back to each other.

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Kate Winkler offers therapy to individuals and couples who reside in NJ. Click here to book your first session.