How to Be in the 5% Who Leave Therapy Truly Changed

Kate Winkler
Feb 3
4 min read

Your therapist nods, tilts their head slightly, and says, “How does that make you feel?”

And in your head, you’re thinking: Honestly? Kind of like I’m wasting my time.

"I’ve been in therapy for years, and nothing has changed."

"It’s just like venting to a friend—except I have to pay for it."

"Why does it feel like I’m saying the same things every week?"

If you’ve ever thought something like this, you’re not alone.

Many people feel like therapy isn’t working for them.

And while sometimes the issue is a bad fit with a therapist, other times, something else is happening: therapy is only as powerful as the way you engage with it.

Some people leave therapy truly changed—feeling different in their bodies, making different choices, and seeing real shifts in their relationships.

Others feel stuck, waiting for something to click.

The difference? The people who get the most out of therapy follow a few key principles—ones that most people don’t realize make all the difference.

1. Say Something If You Feel Like Therapy Isn’t Helping

When people feel like therapy isn’t working, they often don’t say anything because"It’s awkward to bring up," "I don’t think there’s anything she can do about it," or "I don’t want to make her feel bad."

But saying something is where the gold is.

The moment you tell your therapist, "I don’t feel like I’m making progress," or "I don’t think this is helping me the way I hoped," you open up a huge opportunity.

A therapist who’s worth your while won’t just adjust—they’ll explore what’s happening underneath.

How you relate to progress and personal responsibility (Do you expect change to “happen” to you, or do you co-create it?)
What your expectations of others are (Do you assume they should know what you need without you saying it?)
Where else you stay quiet in your life (Do you struggle to tell your partner, friends, or boss when something isn’t working for you?)

Not speaking up is often one of the biggest anxiety symptoms there is.

And if it follows you in therapy, it’s probably playing out in your relationships, at work, and in other areas of your life.

2. Speak Up When Your Therapist Says Something That Doesn’t Sit Right

When Monica’s therapist forgot that she hadn’t spoken to her brother in years, she was thrown off.

It was something she had already shared, and now, her therapist asked, "Why didn't you call him on his birthday?"

She brushed it off in the moment, but after the session, it sat with her. Does she even care? Is she even paying attention?

The more she thought about it, the more frustrated she got.

This happens more often than people admit.

For many, the biggest work in therapy isn’t just reporting about their lives and talking about their feelings—it’s actually telling another person how they impact them.

It’s a little-known fact, but this is where people grow the most from therapy: learning to say, “Hey, that didn’t sit right with me.”

Because if you can practice doing it here, you’re more likely to do it when the 50 minutes are over—where it matters most.

And if it takes you a few days to realize something bothered you?

That’s okay. Therapy is the perfect place to circle back, even if you only noticed it after the fact.

3. Don’t Leave Just Because It Gets Uncomfortable

Like any good and healthy relationship, there will be moments in therapy when things feel tense, frustrating, or even a little uncomfortable.

"My therapist just doesn’t get me. I guess this isn’t a good fit."
"I feel like she's judging me. Maybe I should stop coming."

Actually, this might be where the real work begins.

Many people avoid conflict or discomfort—not just in therapy, but everywhere.

They ghost instead of having hard conversations. They drop friendships when something feels off. They shut down instead of addressing what’s bothering them.

Therapy is a place to do something different.

If a session hits a nerve or makes you feel misunderstood, that might be your biggest opportunity for growth.

Instead of leaving, try staying with the discomfort—seeing where it leads, what it’s bringing up, and how you can work through it.

Because real breakthroughs don’t happen when things feel easy. They happen when you face something uncomfortable and stay.

4. Pick a Therapist You’re Excited About—Not Just One That Takes Your Insurance

No therapist can do the work for you.

But if you pick someone whose style and approach actually engage you, you’ll be more willing to challenge yourself, stretch, be open, have more fun, and go deeper.

That said, don’t fall into the trap of therapist-hopping, searching for the “perfect” fit.

If you don’t engage with therapy in a meaningful way, no therapist will feel quite right.

The sweet spot? Find someone you genuinely want to work with—and then commit to doing the work.

When to Leave Therapy vs. When to Lean In

Sometimes, your therapist isn’t the right fit—and that’s okay.

But before you leave, ask yourself:

✅ Have I spoken up when something wasn’t working?

✅ Have I told my therapist when something bothered me?

✅ Have I worked through discomfort instead of assuming it meant therapy wasn’t working?

If you practice these four things before leaving therapy, you’ll take these skills into every relationship you have.

You’ll be better at owning your growth, advocating for yourself, working through conflict, and making choices that feel aligned with what you actually want.

That’s what therapy is really about.